I am feeling pretty low today, I just want someone to magically make me feel better. I keep taking a step back to have a look at my life and do you know what I see? … Nothing. No future. No present. Emptiness. That makes me so upset and mad. I have no stable job, I keep looking to go back to college and that just fails because every time I look at the courses and the prospectus nothing and I mean nothing interests me or catches my eye at all. Isn’t it supposed to be easy, making a career of something you love. The truth is, I don’t love anything. I always thought that when I was older I’d just get married and have kids and be a housewife, I’d be good at that, but I always skipped out the part where you get to that point. How do I choose a path to take, I’ve had nothing but crappy part-time jobs that I have hated and now I feel I’m going into another, not to say I hate it already because I haven’t had the chance to judge it, today was my first day, it’s not like I haven’t applied for jobs that I think would be good because I have multiple times. I have the perspective of the American Dream, and besides from being thousands of miles away from America things like the American Dream just don’t come true for people like me. I should be having fun right now out with my friends having my mum yell at me because I wasn’t home earlier, not sat in my bedroom writing a blog about how crappy my life is when these should be the best days of my life. But that’s not happening because the fact is, these aren’t the best days of my life, so far these are some of the worst nights of my life. I’m fat, lonely, I’m tired all the time, I have PCOS which is currently giving me no hope in having children which is all I’m living for, so if I cant have kids, I really don’t have anything to live for.
The only thing keeping me here Is the fact that I cant bare the pain I would cause my mum if I left. I know anyone who bothers reading this must be thinking jeez how selfish is this bitch, I cant help it when you have been hurt as much as I have you learn that you have to become selfish because one day nothing you can do will ever please and keep people happy.
I’m gonna stop this here because I cant write anymore, I just need to stop thinking about this or I’m gonna go back to where I was a few months ago hysterically crying and being in a bad place.
So again thanks for reading WITMOML …