Nothing i can say.

I am feeling pretty low today, I just want someone to magically make me feel better. I keep taking a step back to have a look at my life and do you know what I see? … Nothing. No future. No present. Emptiness. That makes me so upset and mad. I have no stable job, I keep looking to go back to college and that just fails because every time I look at the courses and the prospectus nothing and I mean nothing interests me or catches my eye at all. Isn’t it supposed to be easy, making a career of something you love. The truth is, I don’t love anything. I always thought that when I was older I’d just get married and have kids and be a housewife, I’d be good at that, but I always skipped out the part where you get to that point. How do I choose a path to take, I’ve had nothing but crappy part-time jobs that I have hated and now I feel I’m going into another, not to say I hate it already because I haven’t had the chance to judge it, today was my first day, it’s not like I haven’t applied for jobs that I think would be good because I have multiple times. I have the perspective of the American Dream, and besides from being thousands of miles away from America things like the American Dream just don’t come true for people like me. I should be having fun right now out with my friends having my mum yell at me because I wasn’t home earlier, not sat in my bedroom writing a blog about how crappy my life is when these should be the best days of my life. But that’s not happening because the fact is, these aren’t the best days of my life, so far these are some of the worst nights of my life. I’m fat, lonely, I’m tired all the time, I have PCOS which is currently giving me no hope in having children which is all I’m living for, so if I cant have kids, I really don’t have anything to live for.

The only thing keeping me here Is the fact that I cant bare the pain I would cause my mum if I left. I know anyone who bothers reading this must be thinking jeez how selfish is this bitch, I cant help it when you have been hurt as much as I have you learn that you have to become selfish because one day nothing you can do will ever please and keep people happy.

I’m gonna stop this here because I cant write anymore, I just need to stop thinking about this or I’m gonna go back to where I was a few months ago hysterically crying and being in a bad place.

So again thanks for reading WITMOML …

First blog, my life so far.

I’m going to start my first blog, I’m not going to make it too depressing but as you read more and more you will learn that my life is very boring and depressing. I’m 17 live in the UK, I passed my driving test 2 months 2 weeks and 1 day ago, I live with my mum and my sister and I don’t have many friends. I will tell you that I am very uncomfortable with myself as I am over 20st in weight. Now I admit that never for anyone I know to find this out hence why I will never use my real name of my familys real name.

I don’t have much of a life because being as overweight as I am I have extremely low self-esteem and will not join in any sort of games or activities with my friends. I feel like I can be very paranoid sometimes in regards to friends and other people, I don’t like to do anything that will make someone think ‘well shes too fat to be doing any of that’ and ‘why are they hanging out with her she such a loser’. You must understand that I have been heavy my entire life and bullied for it all my life too. Of course I’m going to be paranoid, even the words of the children at school hurt me to this day.

Bullying has effected my life immensely I cant eat in front of anyone other than my family, and if I’m in a situation where I go out to a meal with anyone I make sure I am not the first to finish and most of the time I will leave about a third of my food on my plate, even if I am still hungry. I went away for a few days camping for some kind of event and in that whole time I barely ate a thing. I wouldn’t have breakfast, I wouldn’t eat lunch with them, I’d sneak back into my tent and have a frosties cereal bar that I had packed so I didn’t get tipped over the edge and pass out, but I did eat tea with them, usually it would be something small and again the rules applied about leaving a third. This is what the bullying in my life has done, yes I know to eat the amount I do is wrong and to eat what I do is disgusting but I have tried to stop and I cant, it’s an addiction, the same as drugs, alcohol and even the addiction of self harming. We all have some way that we separate ourselves from the outside world, and food is what I choose.

Like I said above I don’t have many friends and sometimes it doesn’t feel as if I have any, none of them know what goes through my mind, none of them even bother to ask me, sometimes I wonder why I even have friends I feel like I get used for my ability to somehow give advice that I cant even follow and my ability to drive since I haven’t had a full time job I feel like everyone is asking me to give them lifts to places and if I make arrangements and need to back out of them for some reason it’s always like ‘well what about me’ for them and I am too polite to say well god gave you 2 legs to walk yourself places, so then I’m the bad guy because¬†I’m not wasting my petrol and money on something other than what I want to use it on. Not all my friends are like that but we do lack in keeping in touch, sometimes I feel like well if you’re not going to contact me then why should I always be the one to make the first move.

Anyway there is some insight to the life of mine. Please feel free to comment, ask me questions or just ask me to post more insight into my life haha :)

Thanks for reading WITMOML xoxo